When The Sun Refuses To Shine
by kittymchale
Summary: ""You don't miss her," I bit my lip, hopelessly lying to myself." What would happen in a drunken confrontation, the pain unbearable, feelings too strong to deny? Songfic. "Grace is Gone" by the Dave Matthews Band.


**Hey, Tarts! (Is it okay to address the Tartie shippers like that? bahahaha I'm proud to be a Tart!)**

**Well, this is a songfic, taking place at Rachel's party in BIOTA. **

**The song lyrics are bolded and italicized. The song is "Grace is Gone" by the Dave Matthews Band.**

**Enjoy! ^_^**

"Whoa," I laughed, suddenly being pushed away sloppily from the crowd of people sitting on the floor, "Where am I going?" I could feel my words slurring, clearly effected by me having one too many drinks than I should have. My head was light, the pressure of the thoughts swirling through my mind overpowering. I could hear my pulse in my head, feeling like someone was taking my face and bashing it repeatedly against the wall. I questioned why I was there in the first place, at Rachel Berry's house party train wreck...whatever the hell she called it. Brittany being the one to roll me in was definitely not what I was searching for. Brittany being the one to ask me to dance with her and be all around partygoers wasn't either. If anything, it made it even worse. I thought back to even coming in, my eyes burning with an acidic type of pain that I couldn't pinpoint.

_**Neon shines through smokey eyes tonight**_

_** It's 2 a.m., I'm drunk again, it's heavy on my mind.**_

"We're here!" Brittany sang, her high-pitched giggle echoing through Rachel's basement. It was all so _stereotypical, _down to every last detail. Spoiled little theater girl. The type of girl who's parents just wanted their daughter to be simply the best. Several people were there already, including Tina and Mike. My stomach lurched as I glanced over at them and back at Brittany. I bit down hard on my bottom lip, trying to hide the ripping pain through my stomach. Taking a shaky breath, I mentally slapped myself.

_Why are you getting upset? You're with Brittany. The hot, peppy cheerleader, Brittany. Remember her? Tina's with Mike Chang. Cool, dancing, walking Mike Chang._

My breath started to quiver a little as my heart rattled against my rib cage. Brittany was a sweet girl, don't get me wrong. She had a lot of sweet qualities, but it wasn't the same. None of it was the same. Brittany's kisses were sweet, nearly being too sweet. It kind of left a sickly sting in my mouth. We didn't fit perfectly on the bed and she didn't want to cuddle through all hours of the night.

That didn't come out right.

What I mean, is that I didn't _love_ Brittany in the most innocent type of way. We didn't have those inside jokes or the motivation to talk for hours or just sit there with nothing to say without it feeling awkward. We weren't best friends. We didn't have much in common and she didn't understand when I talked about some things. I have a constant, lingering feeling that Brittany isn't in it for me. I don't know what she's in it for, but it's definitely not because she loves me. I guess I didn't mind, because I didn't love her either.

Brittany went to sit on the dryer as I rolled away to go be by myself. I glanced over at Tina, who blinked slowly and bit her lip a little bit. I tore my gaze from her, trying to make the tension go away.

_You don't miss her._

I chewed on my lip once more, hopelessly lying to myself.

I did miss her. I missed the way we could talk, laying next to each other as if our bodies were made to fit together like that. I missed the way she could run her fingers over my arm and my skin would prickle. I missed the way she could sing to me and shivers would run up and down my spine. I missed the way she would sit in my lap and we would spin around in circles in the dark to the music that she had on her iPod. Most of all, I missed the way she could kiss me and the world would fall away. It was like we belonged as our lips moved in unison, forgetting about everything else.

_**I could never love again, so much as I love you. **_

_** Where you end, where I begin**_

_** Is like a river going through.**_

"Let's party!" Rachel suddenly screamed after talking to Puck. Sounded good to me.

The first drink was to kill the pain.

The second was to forget.

The third was because the consuming pain was still bubbling in my stomach, keeping me from thinking properly.

The next thing I knew, I was wearing Brittany's cardigan and hat while she wore my sweater.

_You've got to love her by now._

"That's my girlfriend! I love you baby!" I blurted, attempting to make my mind happy by lying again, "Are you happy now?" I muttered under my breath, taking another drink. Did I know what it was? No. Did I care? Definitely not.

_**Take my eyes, take my heart**_

_** I need them no more**_

_** If never again they fall upon the one I so adore.**_

The overall buzz of the party was worsening as I blinked furiously, trying to make out some of the blurry figures around me. Reaching up to clean off my glasses, I noticed that I didn't even have them on. I rolled over to the first figure I saw, figuring it was Santana or Rachel.

"Have you seen my glasses?" I asked, terribly slurred. My lack of vision was crippling right now, a mixture of lost glasses and too much to drink.

"Yeah, they're right here," A familiar voice replied, handing them awkwardly to me, almost avoiding touching my hand. I put them on, glancing up. Of course, my drunken, stumbling self would lose my glasses and have to ask Tina for them. Great going on my part.

"Thanks," I replied quietly, my stomach flipping over and tying itself into knots. I guess I wouldn't put it that nicely. It was more like someone stabbing me in the stomach, twisting the blade and shoving it back in. Something about the way she looked at me after that stopped me. Her eyes were clouded, her head hanging just a little lower than usual. She touched my shoulder solemnly and walked away, causing me to take another drink from another unknown cup. That was probably a bad choice on my part, but I was too drunk to care.

_**Excuse me, please, one more drink.**_

_** Could you make it strong? **_

_** 'Cause I don't need to think.**_

_** She broke my heart, my grace is gone.**_

_** One more drink and I'll move on. **_

"WHO WANTS TO PLAY SPIN THE BOTTLE!" Rachel screeched, "SPIN THE BOTTLE!" Everyone ripped themselves from whatever they were doing, bounding over and arranging themselves on the carpet. I downed a few more drinks, getting them myself this time. At this point, I'm pretty sure I was way too trashed to even tell who was who, so when Brittany and Sam started making out, I was laughing and cheering. Honestly, I could have cared less. That's when I felt myself being pulled away from the circle, being pushed into a closet. I wasn't alone.

_**One drink to remember, then another to forget. **_

_** How could dream to find sweet love like you again?**_

_** One drink to remember, then another to forget.**_

"What's going on here?" I asked, all of my words blending together, "Who's in here?" A light was clicked on, dim and flickering.

"It's just me, calm your kitties," A gentle voice replied, heavy and dragging from the alcohol. With the unmistakable blue streak falling in front of her face, I recognized the girl at once.

"Why did you push me into here?" I questioned, raising an eyebrow, "Why aren't you out there with Mike dancing, walking, awesome, Asian, cool Chang? He's awesome, right? It's cool to dance and walk and do working leg stuff with him, right?" I was bitter and angry now, pissed that Tina was even trying to talk to me in the first place. It felt like the whole world was against me in that moment as Tina crossed her arms and rolled her eyes.

"You're being irrational," Tina blew off my accusations, looking down at me. She was fighting off the urge to throw herself into my lap, I could tell. That's what Tina always used to when she was upset or having a bad day. She would sit down on my lap, wrap her arms around my neck and bury her face in my shoulder, blubbering everything that had happened. My arms would pull her in closer, rubbing her back until her tears were gone. She would always apologize for crying on my shirt, but I wouldn't care anyway.

_**Excuse me, please, one more drink.**_

_** Could you make it strong? **_

_** 'Cause I don't need to think.**_

_** She broke my heart, my grace is gone.**_

_** One more drink and I'll move on. **_

"No, I'm not. I'm not being irrational about anything ever. I can't help it that you love him more than me even after I totally changed this year and cry a lot over you because I know that you'll never come back to me no matter how much I wish and wish and wish," I blurted out, slapping a hand over my mouth. I was guessing this counted as "word vomit". Tina looked down at me, her eyes wide and disbelieving.

"What are you talking about?" Tina hissed, squinting and taking another sip from her cup.

"I'm saying that I still love you, okay!" I almost yelled, getting a drunken gasp in return, "It sucks, okay? I know that I love you more than I could ever tell you and it will never matter as long as you have abulous Mike freaking Chang on your arm. Have fun with your man-candy because I know that he'll never love you like I love you. It really freaking sucks," I started to cry, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand, "I have to live with loving you for the rest of my life and knowing that you'll never care!" I threw down my empty cup, heading toward the closet door to leave.

"Wait," Tina whimpered, getting a firm hold on one of my handlebars, "I don't love him."

"I don't _care_," I replied, spitting the words. The tears were flowing freely down my face, too quick for my uncoordinated hands to keep up with.

"You should," She sniffled, turning me around. For the first time in over 7 months, Tina sat on my lap, "I won't ever love him because I love you but I could never tell you that because you loved your video games more than me," She started, fiddling with my shirt, "But I know now that you're different. It doesn't matter, right? 'Cause we're both in relationships? I tried to tell myself that I had to love Mike because you'll never like me but I don't even know anymore."

"I love you, okay?" I slurred again, brushing the hair out of her face, "I was just stupid and I know I'll never find anyone better than you...EVER."

I had to take a second to remember that I was drunk and Tina didn't mean anything. For a second, I swore I was actually passed out and this was a dream. Before I could say anything more, Tina pressed her lips to mine, moving sloppily. She kept my hands pinned down so I couldn't push her away as she kissed me deeper and more meaningfully, trying to channel all of her suppessed feelings into one kiss.

_**You think of things impossible,**_

_** Then the sun refuses to shine.**_

_** You walk right beside me.**_

_** Your cold hand lay in mine.**_

"Tee, what the stuff are you doing? You have a boyfriend," I asked, my words combining into one again.

"You have a girlfriend," She replied, getting off of me, "I love you, too, okay? I'll never stop." She gripped on to her cup again, leaving the closet.

There I sat by myself, my whole world shaken. At that point, I didn't know what to do.

_Do I go after her?_

_ Do I stay here?_

_ What do I do?_

When she was gone, I just chose to stay. Stay in one spot and close my eyes. That sounded like a good plan. It would all vanish if I did that, right? Because it was a sadistic dream. It was all my mind playing tricks on me. The girl that I was in love with just kissed me again, but we couldn't act on it. It's my brain being a jerk, right? Well, Ha, ha. Jokes up. It can stop now.

It never did.

I sat there in the dark, tears rolling down my face, empty cup crushed on the ground.

_You've hit rock bottom now, haven't you?_

A couple of hours later, when I knew the party was over, I rolled home by myself. Brittany already left without me and my house was only a few blocks away. It didn't matter, anyway. I couldn't face Brittany. I didn't want to face her. I didn't want to face anybody. As the salty, searing tears rolled down my cheeks again as I looked up at my bedroom ceiling, there was only one thing I was sure of.

I was officially broken.

_**Excuse me, please, one more drink.**_

_** Could you make it strong? **_

_** 'Cause I don't need to think.**_

_** She broke my heart, my grace is gone.**_

_** One more drink and I'll move on. **_

_** One more drink and I'll be gone.**_


End file.
